themofosucks' Journal

First half of the skit, rough
Hi. My name is Andrewthon Smithy Muchachos, the third. That's for legal reasons.

AIM: Geogwe1
Yahoo: shifty_p0wers
THats a zero.

I'm posting the first half of mys kti because i care for feedback. as you can see, its rough. indications:
1) The dialogue in the begining is left in skit format, being as though i had a bit of wrtiers block on how to properly write it
2) It's just a C&P from word, so theres no bold or stuff like that, yknow? Might fuck up the marginign, also.

So, yea, here it is. Please leave a comment.

It was a normal day in Sega City, the sky shining brightly over the canopy of rooftops and road systems. A happy bunch, everyone smiling and saying nothing that could whatsoever offend anyone, populated the streets and a good majority of the "people" were actually animals. Which, by some odd act of God (Or the deceiver), were granted humanlike abilities to walk and talk. Sadly, they weren’t slaves, as they were treated as equals and any negative comments on them earned one a trip to Room 101.
Our story, as it is, starts in the Sega City chat. A nicely furnished building with insiders very similar to everyone else in the city: Happy, nice, and sometimes animal. However, quite to the contrast of everyone else in the room, a human of average height and yellowish skin tone was slouched in a couch a good bit away from the majority of the “chatters”, as the cool kids called them. He had black hair down jetting out of a skullcap to his shoulders, a band shirt and pants, and a somewhat noticeable ‘stache, which could just be from laziness to shave or intended to keep. This man was publicly labeled as a horribly mischievous rapscallion, and was rumored to:
Commit genocide of the eskimonian race.
Start a cult in Eastern America, only to quickly end it with a massive suicide.
Front a drug cartel under the cover of a stationary store, which was said to over charge for double-sided tape.
Assassinate President Abraham Lincoln.
Walk down the street with a .357 revolver, assassinating any woman he found physically attractive, and later returning to the scene under the cover of night to indulge in the beauty.
And, worse of all, in the toughest of bars it was said he imitated people and talked back.
As it was, Beelzebub was playing a Playstation hooked up to a TV in front of him, replaying Lunar. This was also heavily looked down upon, as being the ps1 was released during the Dreamcast era, it was obviously the devil’s way of quickening Sega’s depressing end due to its vastly superior sales. Also, the Final Fantasies are the best RPGs ever made, and Lunar is just some rip off POS.
Behind him, a door swung open, and another average height individual stepped in. He had semi-tanned skin, a gray t-shirt and somewhat tattered jeans, both showing easily noticeable signs of being worn for a week without being put through proper wash. Above the shirt was a loose old flak jacket. The top of his head was covered in light brown, somewhat messy and curly hair.
“Sup?” Geo nodded at Zex as he quickly closed the door behind him.
“It’s so f**king hot outside, man! And like, on the way here I saw this dog and it was like gonna attack me, so I was so ready to shank it like I shanked that fool in Allied Assault,” he replied. It seems the majority of his topic starters were always something to do with some game, usually complaining about them.
He leaped over the couch and sat down to Geo’s side, picking up a second controller. Of course, Lunar isn’t a 2-player game, but he wasn’t too familiar with that RPG junk these kids waste their money on these days instead of shooters.
“Oh, man, on the subject I saw this cute little shiatsu, right? So I was like ‘aww’ and pet it, and it was like ‘RAR I EAT YOU AND PISS ON YOUR FAMILIES DEAD CORPSES!’ But, eh, b***hes, yknow?” Geo remarked, before diverting his attention back to the TV.
“I hear ya, dude, story of my life,” Zex sighed.
“… Dude,” Geo started, “That’s what I say. You ripping off me, whitey? You taking my lines to get rich off ‘em and not even drop me a dime afterwards? Is that it, cornflake? Is that is?”
“Yea? Well what are you gonna do about it? Go all non-white on me?”
Geo snapped up and drew his fists in a boxer’s pose, “That’s it, crack- ow!” A shoe flew over from the more populated area of the room and hit him in the head, before he could finish his threat.
“No racism, morons!” A mod shouted, while Geo rubbed feeling back into his head. Who throws a shoe? Honestly?
“Man always keeping me down…” Geo mumbled before he sat down again, still rubbing his still aching head.
“So,” Zex stumbled, trying to start a new subject, “Think I should get a top hat? I mean, think chicks dig the whole top hat look?”
“Well… I guess. I mean, I really dig it when chicks wear hats. So I guess they the same?” Geo theorized, stroking his chin with one hand and slaying a dragon with the other. “Well, nevertheless, top hats are bad ass. So I’d advise the purchase of one, indeed.”
“Yea, I was thinking the same thing. Was odd job wearing a top hat or a bowler, man?”
“Uh… Bowler… I think-“
“Hey, guys,” HSW walked up to the couch. This was an example of how HSW was cool in two reasons: he walked over to them, and he walked over to them without an attempted assassination.
“Eeey man,” Zex said.
“Just came over to tell you guys, like, there’s a new kid. And he’s kind of… well… F**king retarded, so you guys should just like… stay away from him.”
“That’s cool, man,” Geo replied without any agreement.
“See you guys later.”
“Alright, bye. Just telling you so another mod doesn’t flip off and ban you guys… again.” HSW walked back to the main crowd where they were talking about the newest shadow game… or sonic… or… f**k it its all the same.
After he was out of earshot, they turned to each other and whispered “Dude… We are so gonna rag on that kid.”
“Damn straight.”
“So what are you even wearing a flak for, man?”
“Can’t ever be too careful dude, what if some Nazis break in here right now? Or a zombie outbreak? Or some angry Swedes? Huh?”
“Good point, ese.”

Go back to playing ps1, bit later retard kid shows up

Kid: walks up brains…
Zex: Yea! You don’t have any!
Geo: OH S**T DUDE!
Zex: COUNT IT!
Geo: So whats your name, kid?
Kid: Soonic…. Taaaiils….
Geo: … You didn’t get beat enough as a child did you?
Kid: Tails… Moves in to bite zex, gets on top of him
Zex; What the hell, fag!? Get the fuck off me! kick off*
Geo: Ha ha, you just ruined your only chances at any action.
Zex: F**k you, dude.
Kid: Uuhh… lieng down on floor by couch
Zex: Dude… Get up, you’re gonna get us in trouble…
lies there and groans
Zex: Shit, pass me a bedsheet. tosses bedsheet on kid
Go on and treat it as if its normal, ignore groaning.
Geo: chucks empty can behind him hits someone
(Randomfag: who hit me!? Ill spindash you!! Ill do it! Im sonics half brother!)
Geo: shit, bro, pass me a soda.
Zex: Uhm, checks cooler, we’re out man.
Geo: Aw, again?
Zex: Yea. Sucks.
Geo: Fuck… Guess we gotta get more.
Zex: Get someone to save our seat.
Geo: Like who?
Zex: Uhh… SX?
Geo: HEY! SX!
SX runs over and his gaynesslooks are described
SX: o.o HEY GEO I CANT HEAR YOU BECAUSE IM BLOCKING YOU IDIOT LOL
Geo: Right… Uhm, well can you save our seats while we’re gone?
SX: WELL ONLY IF YOU PAY ME A BOUNTY BECAUSE I AM SX AWESOME BOUNTY HUNTER WITH DESERT EAGLE OF THE MOFO AND IM BLOCKING YOU IDIOT LOL o.o
Geo: Uhm… Sure, we’ll buy you a lollypop.
SX: o.o GOOD IDIOT o.o HAY BEFORE YOU o.o GO WANT o.o ME o.o TO TELL YOU ABOUT o.o GUNS o.o o.o o.o
Geo and Zex already gone
SX: IM JUST TOO COOL FOR THEM! o.o
-on way out-
Mike walks up to bedsheet
Mike: I wonder whats under this! Maybe Geogwe doing another impression! Ooohh ill get him good this time!
*Opens bedsheet, gets bitten

*Walk back in, whole room is completely mess. Dead bodies. Blood. People getting killed and ripped to shreds.*
walk over to couch and Playstation, stepping over corpses and body parts sipping on big gulps
SX is on couch, headless and missing a leg, covered in blood. Blood is all over couch.
Geo: Eh, at least he saved the seat. Help me toss him somewhere and flip the cushions.
do so, sit down
Zex: Eh, fuck that rpg man
Geo: Dude, come on, you can ask J. Lunar is the best game fuckin’ ever.
J randomly appears
J: Indeed, Geo, and remember: Bros before hos!
J disappears
Geo: See?
Zex: … What was that dude?
Geo: no idea. Shit, you wanna play medal of honor?
Zex: YES!
Play game, girl getting killed is screaming Limb of hers flies over and smashes ps1
Geo: Wait… what the…
Zex: Dude… what just happened?
Geo: I.. I… picks up busted ps1 * cries*
Zex: … YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WILL PAY!
GEO: WELL KILL YOU! WELL KILL YOU ALL! WHO THE FUCK DID THIS!? WELL FUCKING KILL YOU!
ZEX: GODAMNIT WHY THE FUCK CANT YOU JUST LET US ENJOY SOMETHING!? WHY DO YOU ASSHOLES ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN EVEYRTHING!? tosses part of shattered tv at crowd, kills zombie
Geo: Dude… Shit. I guess we’re gonna have to go fix it.
Zex: Yea… isn’t there someplace at the other end of town that handles this kind of shit?
Geo: ya… pick it up man, I guess we’ll walk over there.
Zex picks up ps1, they walk out
Geo: zombie walks up and tries to infect him
Zombie: … hu… huggle…
Geo: Shove Get off me, fag.

When the two stepped foot outside of the building to find a game shop, they were greeted with relief. The roads were purged of lamers, furries, and n00bs. Upon closer look, the roads were completely derelict. Not a single soul walked the paths and blocks apart from Geogwe and Zex, and the only ambient noises were the occasional gunshots and screams, much to the contrary of the normal hustle and bustle.
“Aw, shit, dude,” Geo started, gazing around, “this is fucking great man. Usually we get shit just for walkin’ by, but now they’re all gone.”
“Dude, yea, this is so like France right before the nazis got in.”
“Dude, Zex, not everything has to do with WW2.”
“Yea it does dude!”
“Dude, no.”
“It’s just freaking like WW2! Hell, there’s a Bren Carrier right there!”
“Oh, you’re shittin me”
“Dude… look down the road.”
Down the road, a green boxed jeep-like vehicle blazed at top speed towards the two. It housed a red-haired fellow, with a face covered in freckles and hair right above his shoulders. “Tallyho!” he yelled, screeching the carrier to a sudden stop in front of the two.
“… Is that Ron Weasley?”
“Uhm, maybe. Or Craig. Dunno.”
“Good day, lads!” Craig shouted, standing up setting down his Bren.
“Hi Craig,” both responded.
“Well, I just came from a very successful foxhunt! We sure gave the jerries a round for their money! Tell the Afrika Korps boys Romell was beaten by the 7th armored!”
“Uhm… Sure dude.”
“Y’see, lads, I turned off the roundabout because I’m checking for civilians. Some pissant wankers are around these parts, and you should sod off before you get your kittens handed to you!” Craig foreboded in his typical British mannerisms.
“Wait- What-“
“Here, chaps!” Craig grunted, tossing a comically oversized trout with a top hat duct-taped to its head at the feet of his audience, “Defend yourself with this lass! Should be quite the jam-puckler if you find yourself in a fix with a jerry lorry!”
“Well g’day, lad’s, I’m off to strike a warning to the guv’nah. Hail the queen and watho!” Craig shouted, driving off into the horizon.

“Dude… Zex… What the fuck did he just say to us?”
“Uhm, I don’t know man.”
“Think it was something, like, everyone’s gone cause there’s a surprise party or something?”
“Where the hell did you get that?”
“Well, he said Sod Off, and I think that’s British for Happy Birthday… It’s all so confusing, man.”
“Right, and what is this then?” Zex nodded at the dead fish lying at their feet.
“Uhm… Maybe we’re supposed to bring it to the party? Man, I wish he would speak English.”

Zex handed the shambled Playstation to Geo, picked up the trout, and went back to looking for a shop that could service their pride and joy. If they traveled outside the chat a bit more often previously, they wouldn’t be so fucking lost. After several more hours of fruitless wandering around without encountering another human being, a black Cadillac rolled up by them in an alley. A window rolled down to reveal everyone’s favorite echidna: Spyke (No one liked Knuckles ever since the whole preteen rape thing)!
The tinted windows rolled down and out poured the sounds of a 10-speaker system blasting Drowning Pool’s Sinner album. A jet-black echidna sat in the front seat, who slightly turned down the stereo that and started reaching for a gym bag lying on the passenger seat.
“Aw, not another retarded furry.” Zex sighed, reaching for a nearby rock.
“Dude… It’s fine, he’s cool, put down the rock.” Geo explained, walking towards the car. “Sup Spyke? Steal that car?”
“… Fuck you, dude.” He blinked, lifting the bag to his lap, “Hey, geo. I don’t really have the time to explain but you really, really have to get to the city hall-“
“Can’t do that, bro, we really got find some place to fix our Playstation-“
“Trust me!” He yelled, stunning geo with this break of mannerisms. Mannerism is such a funny word. They used it in family guy once. I hope I’m using it correctly or I’ll just look like an asshole. “Get to the city hall!”
“But we really have to-“
“Uhh they can fix it there.”
“Oh, really dude?”
“Yea… For free, too,” Spyke said, shifting his eyes, “Seriously.”
“Well, rap music tells me to always trust a black man, so sure!” Geo chimed, smiling and sticking out a fist to ‘pound it’.
“Ok… Sure…” Spyke shrugged, pounding it, then tossing the bag out the window, “You’ll need these. Trust me. I really have to go, they’re after me.”
“Wait- why can’t you give us a ride?”
“Because… Uhm… LOOK THAT WAY!” Spyke slammed on the acceleration and instantly sped down the street, whipped a turn, and was out of site.
“Oh motherfucker.”
Geo, confused as this was the second unexplained random encounter they had recently, picked up the gym bag and walked back to Zex.
“So? What did he say man?” Zex asked, who tried to listen into the conversation from where he stood but couldn’t hear over their youngin’ newfangled rock and roll noise.
“Uhm… Not sure, dude, but we have to go to the town hall. Apparently. I think. And he gave us this gym bag.” He stumbled through his words like a fat man stumbles through a pumpkin patch and set the gym bag on the ground in-between them.
“So what’s in it?”
“Dunno, didn’t open it yet. Probably a fucking salmon.”
“It’s probably crack! Or porn! Or guns!”
Geo kneeled down and started opening the gym bag, “Dude, just ‘cause he’s black doesn’t mean they’re gun- HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!”
Inside the bag, under the bright sunny shy, glistened guns… lots of guns. G3s, Uzis, Mossbergs, Colts, Anacondas, M-107s, M16s, and a super soaker. The space that wasn’t inhabited by a cannon placed residence to ammunition, grenades, and assorted melee weapons. Needless to say, it was one motherfuckin big gym bag.
“… Dude… I told you! There better be some crack and porn in those magazines.”
Geo picked up an Anaconda and twirled it around a finger, “Check it out, dude: I’m Wyatt fuckin’ Earp!”
“… What are these even for dude?” Zex replied, half-dumbfounded by the stash.
“Well, he said we needed them, I guess.”
“To get to the city hall? Dude, it’s like a half mile away. We won’t have to, like, shoot anyone or steal a car on the way.”
“You never know, bro.”
“Let’s just sell ‘em at the pawn shop.”
“… Sure. We could buy some cigarettes to sell to babies or something.”
“Or walkie talkies!”
“Dude! walkie talkies! Badass!”

After a walk around the corner, outside pwned…

“Dude… I don’t get the title… Maybe they misspelled ‘pawned’ or something” Geo wondered, staring up at the sign for the pawnshop.
“Or maybe there’s supposed to be an O at the beginning” Zex argued, also lost in the utter stupidity of the name.
“Dude, you don’t actually replace an O with a P.”
“I would.”
“Well, that’s because you suck.”
“Well then how would you pronounce it if it’s a real word?”
“Pawned, dude, it’s a bloody pawnshop. It makes sense.”
“No, dude, it’s ‘powned’! Nerds say it all the time!”

Meanwhile, inside pwned…

“HAY o.o DO YOU HAVE ANY CHAO PORNS?!?!?!????? o.o” Screamed a fox that somehow had two tails, with fur that was mainly blue and red. He was surrounded by dusty shelves with heavily assorted items: from jacked car stereos to lip balm, all behind chickenwire.
“Uh, no, we only have good ol’ American girl on girl pornography here.” The clerk replied, not bothering to look up from his magazine.
“WELL I HAVE A STASH OF PORN BECAUSE I AM COOL AND POPULAR AND I HAVE CHAO PORNS AND I WANT MORE CHAO PORNS LOL PORN IM HILARIOUS o.o” The creature shrieked, outraged at the lack of illegal beastiallity porn.
The door to their left chimed and in came two figures, one holding a trout and the other a large gym bag. “Hey, SX is here! Hey, if you didn’t block me yet, can I ask you a question?” Asked geo.
“SURE YOU CAN IDIOT I WASN’T GONNA BLOCK YOU BTW IM IGNORING YOU”
“Uh… yea. Anyways,” he took an M16 out of the bag, “Do you think this is real?”
“WELL THAT IS A MP93 USED BY THE AUSTRIAN ARMY FROM 1985 TO PRESENT OBVIOUSLY NOOB IT IS CHAMBERED IN 20 INCH FULL METAL POINT AND FIRES AT –“
His psycho-blabber was silenced by the sudden crack of a bullet through the building, followed quickly by seven more, all hitting SX. They instantly penetrated through his skin, some shredding right through the entire body and some got lodged in bone. He suddenly hit the floor, in a shower of his own blood, before he could finish another word.
“Guess it is real,” Zex said, reloading the rifle and handing it back to Geo, who shrugged and put the rifle back in the bag.
“Hey! Geo and Chuckles!” The clerk said, looking up from his playboy “Surely the joy of such an event would silence even the most Swedish of revolution!
“Hey-Lum, why are you working here?” Zex asked while kicking SX’s body over to the side.
“Had to get a third job to make payments on child support and my Crown Vic. And this place was the only place to hire me with my background of murders and rapings and whatnot.”
“… Lum! Dude, can I ask you a question?” Geo queried, trying to stomp out an argument.
“Sure”
“What the fuck is up with the name of this place?”
“Oh, it's some joke. Yknow. Like the gaming term... and it's funny cuz it's a pawn shop...”
“Dude, how could you stoop so low to work in a place this lame?”
“I needed to pick up a third job to pay for my Crown Vic and child support. Besides, this is one of the only place to hire me with my criminal background of convicted rapings and homicides.”
“Ha ha, yea, remember that nun?”
“Oh, dude, good times.”
“So, Lum, we gotta pawn these in for some stuffs,” Zex told him, nodding at the bag.
“Why, what is in this carrier of mysteries and cancers?”
They tossed it up on the counter and opened it.
“Oh, you kids are back in the mafia huh?” Lum remarked nonchalantly.
“Naw, we can’t even show our face in little Italy anymore ‘cause of all the shit we fucked up.”
“Oh, dude, remember that nun?” Lum reminisced, smiling and flipping around magazine.
“Good times, bro, good times. Anyways, we wanna buy some walkie talkies.”
“Oh, truly Russia’s uncle would shed a tear at the jelly of the cause. Well, in order to afford those, you’re gonna have to sell all these.”
“… Dude, what the fuck? Each of those is worth like three thousand dollars.”
“Eh, pawn shops suck. Can’t but the streetsweeper or the M14, though. The streetsweeper’s barrel is way to short-“
“Like yours!” Pregga shouted.
“Oh shit dude!” Geo yelled, high-fiving him.
“Count it!”
“What?”
“Uh, nothing, nothing, keep talking.”
“… And I can’t buy the M14 because we have too many of those.”
“Wait,” Zex stated, “Your sign says you buy everything.”
Lum shifted his eyes “Yeah, my sign says a lot of things… Anyways, you guys can help yourself to that set over there. If you want, you can contact me, and I can tell you about my rural upbringings in the big city!”
“Hey, Lum, what’s with that hatch behind the counter?” Zex queried, leaning over the table.
Lum slanted his eyes and yanked a switchblade out of his pocket, “That’s not for you to know.”
“Well… Uh… Thanks, bud. Peace.” Geo said, grabbing the two firearms and the walkie talkies and left the store.
When they got outside, Geo leaned the guns against the wall and started fiddling with the talkie.
“Dude,” Geo said, trying to get channel 6/9 on the talkie “That was so Lum’s corpse hatch.”
“Corpse hatch?”
“Yknow, to drop dead people in.”
“Why… Why does he have a corpse hatch?”
“Eh, he’s Lum, man, he can do what he wants… Haha! Check it out, dude, you can get channel 69 on this thing!”
“That’s some classic humor right there.”
“Yep.”
“Yea… So… About the guns,” Zex started “I’m so getting that, uhm, one that isn’t the M14.”
“Dude, you don’t even know what it is.”
“Sure I do!” He testified, picking up the shotgun, “It’s a… uh… Tommy gun!”
“… Wow, you’re a dumbass.” Geo picked up the M14 and put it against his shoulder, “Well, I guess I can use this. It’s the same gun I used to gun down all those Japs in half my ‘Nam time.”
“Dude, there weren’t any Japs in Viet-“
Geo smacked him with the stock of his rifle and aimed it at his head, “You go to a war where you watch your friends day at every second of the die, where the reefer is strong as hell but you never got the time to smoke it, come back to a country that hates you, and then tell me there was no Japs in ‘Nam.” Geo clicked off the safety and put his finger on the trigger.
“Psh. You won’t fire that.”
“Wanna try me, ese? I’m fuckin loco man I’ll blow your brains out!”
“Hey,” Zex nodded over at someone across the street about 50 yards down the road. He moved incredibly slow, stumbling along, and wore tattered clothing that were completely soaked in blood. “Bet you won’t shoot that dude down there.”
“Twenty bucks I will, man.”
“Yea! You’re on!”
“… There ain’t any mods around is there?”
“Rico’s probably watching us, but apart from that the streets are clean.”
“Alright…” Geo moved the rifle away from Zex’s temple and concentrated on the anonymous person down the road. He quickly lined up the sights with his head, easing back the trigger.
BANG! A bullet slammed out of the barrel, kicking back the gun and hitting the target smack in the nose. He instantly hit the ground and slowly became the center of a red pool of his own blood.
“Haha, motherfucker, you owe me twenty.” He said, confirming the kill and bringing the rifle down.
“…DAMNIT! How did you get him that quick?”
“Eh, pretended he was a Vietcong running off with my reefer stash.”
And so, our heroes did great battle within the beleaguered city streets, smiting many a foul enemy upon the spot, which they stood, rescuing many innocents from sure destruction and totally getting some action in a back alley. Little could oppose the might of our heroes, brave Geogwe with his M14 and the ever-dauntless Pregga Zexas with his Streetsweeper that he so wisely mistook for a Thompson which, when he fired it, caused him to remark, 'Dude, my Tommy gun is broken or something.' It was perhaps the best part of this book ever.

Part 2
(Note: I’m not lame enough too know every aspect of the ‘MFW’ universe, so some things here are probably wrong. Fuck it, though. I’m the narrator now, bitches.)
After retrieving the Crystal of Arnuuk from the Fifth Level of Hell, saving the totally hot Princess La'Monta of Happyland and felling the Foul Beast of Orgoroth, our heroes finally reached city hall; which meant safety, food, and Medal of Honor.
A block down the road, one could only see a 10-foot tall wall of sandbags that was obviously put up recently in haste. Sloppy coils of barbed wire lined the top of the barrier, with an occasional double-A battery hooked up every couple dozens of yards to make a top-of-the-line electric fence.
Strolling up to the only obvious entrance, a huge gate with an arrow pointing to it labeling “THE ONLY OBVIOUS ENTRANCE,” they sidestepped the occasional claymore or bear trap.
“Wow, dude” Geo said, nodding at the tattered remains of a black caddy sunken in a crater caused by a mine, “Some asshole doesn’t know how to drive.”
“Dude. Totally. Dudes that suck get like, Caddilacs and people like us are stuck with AMC Gremlins or crap.”
Knock Knock, the sound of Zex’s knuckle clinging against the obviously hollow discount aluminum shattered through the area, awaking the gatekeeper.
“Hey, guys!” The soldier shouted, from his elevated guard tower constructed of toothpicks that stood an amazing 12 feet in the air.
“What the f- What are you doing here?” Geo asked, stunned.
“Eh, I needed more than three jobs to pay for the car AND feeding the kids, yknow?” Lum reasoned, tossing down some hostess to the two, “So what are you guys here for?”
“Well… We kinda… Need to pass the gate.”
“Oh, you gotta pay the toll then.”
“What? Toll?”
“Yep. I’m a gate shark.”
“Dude Lum you totally sold out.”
“Truly the president would waver his brow at such a fate. Still have to pay.”
“With what?”
“Why, the blood of a virgin, of course!”
Geo quickly took out a switch and slashed Zex, swiping up the blood with a rag and tossing it up to Lum.
“WHAT THE HELL, DUDE!?” Zex shouted, doubling over and clutching his arm.
“Uhh, well-“
“Excellent, my fellow Scottsburbian, you shall pass with the victory and gallantry of a renown Norwegian female!”
Lum hopped down from his tower, hitting the ground with a deliciously fleshy sound. He cranked open the gate, which was just a bunch of cardboard behind chicken wire. Geo strolled in whistling a happy tune while Zex stumbled behind rubbing his arm.
In front of them was another 100 yards until another wall. This one was made out of 2 feet of concrete, armed sentries patrolling the top with trip wires sprawling on the ground. Between the two barriers laid dozens of bodies and craters. And, in vision, was the town hall, jetting in the sky.
“Wait, Lum,” Geo started, “Why are you working the shitfence?”
“Welll, ever since that whole drug bust, I’m not qualified enough to handle a job like that.”
“Haha, remember the nurse?”
“DUDE, YEA!” Geo and Lum high fived each other and laughed a laugh of classic days.
“Anyways, you guys need a guide. There’s a bunch of tripwire and lasers and all that stuff that’s good for making pizza with.”
Lum pushed a button on the base of his toothpick tower and Ultra Sonic popped out of a nearby alley. Poor lad prolly waits there all day long, waiting for Lum to press the button.
“Have no fear, fellow mofoers!” Said the thing that was like sonic, but with added sunglasses and jacket, to it couldn’t be sued… directly.
“I am here to guide you through the path to safety!” He raised his voice at the end in an attempt at heroicness that ended up sounding like a horrible Adam West impression. Unholstering his Colt/Blaster/Toaster/Comb, he pointed at the city hall a football field away, “And that, gentleman, is where we shall go!” He pointed to the horizon, and his dollar-store kiddie cape wavered in the breeze.
“… Damnit, Lum,” Zex sighed, “A whole field of idiots and you gave us the one that dropped out of the batman audition.”
“Follow me, good doers, and we shall evade our country’s genius defensive system!” Ultra hunched over, looked left and right, and started stalking around the maze. Geo and Zex followed, embarrassed to be with him.
80 yards down the road, and still not dead, the sonic-wannabe waved at his companions to come up “Hurry, lads!”
“Uhm, dude, think we’re fuckin retarded?” Geo said, nodding at the obviously large wire in front of Ultra that he was instructing the team to walk into.
“I do respect your freedom of speech, citizen, but such vulgarities are not required to portray your feelings!” He coerced, rubbing his monobrow, “and, being the guide, I know where to go!”
“He’s right, man” Zex said “That is one pretty obvious tripwire here.”
“I’ll prove to unbelievers that this is truly a safe passage! In fact, HSW and Acrio gave me this map. Surely they would never even wish to harm me!”
“DUDE!” Geo shouted, trying to warn Ultra, “IT’S A FUCKING TRIP!”
“Oh, silence your hip vernacular, I’ll just- whoops!” Ultra stumbled over the wire, unleashing the firey explosion from several nearby claymores. As he was falling towards the ground, he was victim to a flurry of shrapnel and an inferno of fire, before he hit the ground crispy like.
“… Fuckin dumbass, guess we’re just gonna have to hoof it.” Geo sighed, taking Ultra’s wallet and car keys and ex.
Completing the last 20 yards without the help of their incompetent tour guide, and throwing the occasional rat or bunny into a trip for shits and giggles along the way, the two arrived at the wall.
“Got some visitors, bloody bastards making me get up from my manga…” The sentry leaned his rifle against the wall and reluctantly shuffled to his feet. “Ya? What do you guys wa- Hey! Geo and Zex!”
“… Dude... Geo…” Zex turned and whispered to him, “Who the hell is that kid?”
“Uhh dunno…”
“It’s Mike! 1204!”
“What?”
“You remember me!”
“Uh… No, dude, don’t.”
“Oh, wait, you’re just impersonating someone, aren’t you? A bundle of laughs you are, Geo!”
“… K…” He tried reaching in the back of his mind to remember something about this kid, but a blank drew up. “So, could you like, let us in?”
“Nope!”
“Wait, why not?”
“Because you insulted my friends!”
“Who are you friends?”
“I can’t tell you!”
“… Are you fucking retarded?”
“Silly Geo, you know that would ruin my loyalty to them! After all, I’m loyal to my cyber friends until the end!”
“Yea, you’re fucking retarded.”
“Well, I’m not letting you in the square then! I can’t believe you! Sticks and stones hurt my bones, AND words hurt me!”
“Dude what the fuck are you going on about?”
“My thirteenth year was horribly and-“
And so, the epic battle went on. The heroes tried to reason their way into safety, and the dedicated gates keeper kept declining them. As night turned to day and day turned to night, the gallant duo’s logic was no match for the guard’s unrivaled ignorance and blindness. Finally, the two covertly spoken up a plan of unheard of genius and cunning. Pretending to admit defeat and walking around the corner into an alley, they guard thought himself to be victorious and went back to reading his manga comics.
An hour later, two figures walked up to the gate and rang the bell. One was wearing the type of ninja costume you find in toys r us, complete with a cardboard tube to represent a sword. The other was plaid in Etnies, Girl Pants, designer glasses and a jacket that was obviously too short.
“Hey! Is that Shin and Wesu!?”
“Er… Sure is… Mick?” The Ninja spoke up.
“Mike! Oh you silly guys. So you wanna go through?”
“That would be like a light in my endless tunnel of misery and anger…” Wes cried, before taking out a razor to run over his palm.
“Well, just let me hit the butto- … Wait a second…”
The two looked at each other with a perfectly ‘Oh, shit!’ expression. Yknow. Like the kind you get when you find out your dad dug up your stash.
“Will you do something hilariously clichéd for your character!? Oh, please!?” Mike pleaded, hopping up and down while clenching his hands together.
“Well… Uh… Zex sucks! And geo! And whomever the mods decide to ban! A glorious forum, we post in!” The ninja yelled, with a trace of detectable reluctance in his voice.
“I’d drink to that!” Mike chuckled, tossing his popcorn.
“… You don’t understand my pain. Yea. Go Smithy.”
“Oh, I love you guys. Have a fun time in Town Square!” Mike passed them down some non-alcoholic beers and slammed the open button, and waved them away.
And of course it was many of hours until the foolish guard noticed his mistake. With tearful eyes, he stared up at the night sky, and fell to his knees. It slowly came to him, that wasn’t Wesu and Shin. That wasn’t Wesu and Shin at all. It was clear to him now: Geo impersonated someone, and he let Geo through. He couldn’t cope with the failure, and jumped from his 8-story-high sentry. His body was discovered the next day utterly splattered across the pavement below, and Geo promptly took his wallet and car keys.
Part 3… Well, more like 2.5, but I’ll call it 3 for convenience’s sake.

After a quick change into something more comfortable and less gay, the heroes of our epic stood with gallantry and courage into the shelter of this brave new world. Expecting to see the hilarious site of a crowd of previously happy souls whose dreams have been smashed into nothing. Sadly, the same bullshit was going on inside the Promised Land as previously was going out. A bunch of animals that shouldn’t be talking, near-homosexual semi-orgies, and generally a bunch of pathetic wankers.
But, avast, before the redeemers could start busting heads and ruining self-esteem, the harbinger of sorrow showed up on the horizon. “Hey, idiots lol!” Shouted the disgruntled midgit. As the figure came into view, it was seen as a fox with an extra tail (Streamer from a tricycle?), plaid in blue and red and struggling to lift an oversized pistol. Indeed, boys and girls, it’s SX the Mutated Fox!
“hey n00bs u insulted me 4 the last time!!!!” He shrieked, shattering a couple of windows.
“What’s happening, squeaky?” Zex asked, patting himself on the back for such a subtle insult as the disgustingness of SX’s voice.
“nothing but im ignoring u so I wouldn’t be able to see it when you DIIIEE!”
“Uhh, please repeat yourself. I don’t speak retarded-twelve-year-old-gabble! HA!” Pregga once again slapped his back, so far this was his wittiest day ever.
“I got a deagle here one handed 50 caliber and ill shoot you both for ascrewing with me for the last time!!!! And you’ve been teetering on the rules you dishonorless bags of pieces of cap!!!” In the middle of his squeak-fest, sx struggled to level the huge handgun he held in both hands level with his shoulders.
“Uh. You can’t even lift that cannon, SX.”
Of course, the wise and sexy Geo proved to be right, as SX could barely get the pistol aimed at Zex’s foot as he struggled to lift it with one armed. He screamed, “I AM THE ULTIMARE LIFE FOOORM!” and used all his strength to pull back on the trigger.
The slug bounced off the cement, slammed into a nearby wall, and ricochet into the loser’s stomach. The burnt casing for the bullet flew off and got lodged into the fox’s loafer, setting his foot on fire. To cap it all off, the immense recoil from the gun forced the pistol to fly up and smack SX straight in the face, cracking his nose and sending blood flying everywhere. Hitting the ground motionless.
Poof! His body popped into a bunch of pink smoke!
10 EXPERIENCE POINTS GAINED
“Dude! Sweet!” they both shouted out.
“Hey, man, what’s that red looking thing that was left where his body was?” Zex asked.
YOU HAVE ADDED apple TO YOUR INVENTORY
“Awesome!”
After a quick tune and celebratory jig the dudes were back on their way to the town hall to ask the mayor where they can fix their Playstation. But avast, their lack of knowledge on Sega City’s streets destroyed them once again as they unsuccessfully braved through crowds of furries and nerds in a search for the town hall.
“Hello, children!” His voice bellowed through the crowds with a hint of lemon and Vaseline. That’s right: It’s the mofo’s role model… ACRIO!
“Acrio!” They both squealed out with glee.
“That’s me! Well, I could tell by following you around and sniffing you for the last thirty minutes that you are trying to find the mayor of this here joint!” Suggested the red fox… or hedgehog… giraffe? Aw, fuck it.
“Why! We sure are!”

Current Music: "Maria" RAtM

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